Are You Finished Yet?

Let the Games Begin + Giveaway Winner

Published on May 10, 2015 by Kelly SuellentropLeave a comment

Happiest of Mother’s Days to all my mama friends out there! As my buddy Kandace posted:

“It took me a while. But, I think I am all prepared for Mother’s Day…. The garbage and recycle are full, the dishwasher has been run and is ready to be emptied, the dog’s water is low, the bird feeder needs to be filled, the toilet paper and paper towel rolls need to be changed, there is a dry load of clothes in the dryer and a freshly washed load in the washer! Let the games begin!!!”

A-MEN!!!

OH, and congratulaions to Lisa Craven for winning the Jewelry Made by Maggie Giveaway! As a consolation prize to everyone else, Maggie is offering 20% off at her Etsy store until June 1st! Just use the code kelly20.

Now go out and enjoy your day and love your mamas!

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The Mother’s Day Hierarchy

Published on May 6, 2015May 6, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop17 Comments

Mother’s Day. I recall being a kid and feeling a little jealous that moms got their very own holiday (because kids are too dumb to realize the national children’s holiday is just called “Life.”) I wanted to be a part of that club who got to go through the dinner line first and unwrap gifts on a day that wasn’t Christmas or my birthday. I just knew that once I became a mom, I would have it made in the shade every time the second Sunday of May rolled around.

Little did I know.

The advent of your first bumbling baby may give you the right to be celebrated on Mother’s Day. But what most new moms don’t realize is that there is a certain seniority at play. You aren’t immediately granted a free pass to a day of complete leisure and pampering. That has to be earned through the ranks of what I like to call “The Hierarchy of Mother’s Day.”

Level 1: The New Mom

You will probably get some nice jewelry from your husband, but just don’t even think about putting “sleeping in” on your wish list, especially if you’re nursing. Babies can’t read the universal memo, RE: Mom is Off the Clock Today. And they usually pick Mother’s Day as one of those “special” times when the touch, voice, glance, or even presence of anyone but Mom induces whines, tantrums, and neck clawing. So I hope you like that birthstone necklace. It’s all you’re getting this year.

Level 2: The Mom of Little People

Pinterest was invented for you. Keepsake plates decorated with your children’s adorable artwork. Footprints immortalized in garden stones. Ornaments of your children’s silhouettes. Jewelry charms made from precious fingerprints. Except YOU won’t be the one getting these gifts, because, duh…dads don’t do Pinterest. GRANDMA is going to be the lucky recipient of all these thoughtful and sentimental goodies. YOU will be the one busting your ass to get them all made while your kids try to shove quick-dry cement up their noses and stick their tongues out every time you try to snap a photo of their profiles. Then you get to dress the kids in their Sunday best (because again, duh, dads don’t do fashion) and herd them all to church before heading over to the big extended family celebration with your pot luck side dish (because, you guessed it, dads and Pinterest). But don’t worry. You are still going to have hella appreciation heaped upon you. Get ready for some pancakes with “secret” ingredients, construction paper cards with indecipherable writing, and glitter. Damn it.

Level 3: The Mom of Teens

During Level 2, you would have given your Target Redcard for everyone to leave the house for the day so you could have some uninterrupted peace and quiet. Now in Level 3, that’s all you get…because everyone is apparently hanging out at Taylor’s house breaking in her new pool table. Well, there was that text you got that says “HMD *heart emoticon, kissy face emoticon, taco emoticon.*”

Level 4: The Mom of Adult Children

Mother’s Day is becoming a sweeter affair by now. Your kids make money of their own and can finally start giving you something that doesn’t have a handprint on it. You may even get to be doubly celebrated as a mom AND and grandma, so there are bonus presents. But since your kids are likely busy being parents of tiny tots, working long hours, or just being self-absorbed d-bags (because there’s always one), everyone still looks to you for “the plan.” And it’s just as well, since your own 83-year-old mother broke her hip when she tripped over a Lego castle the last time she was at your daughter’s house, and she might catch any number of communicable diseases if the celebration is held at your son’s bachelor pad.

Level 5: The Eldest Matriarch

You’ve made it to the only level of The Mother’s Day Hierarchy where you don’t have to lift one.damn.finger. Everyone owes YOU. The party’s not at your house. You don’t have to cook a freakin’ thing. You’re first in line to eat. Good news: you are the Queen Supreme of all the Mothers. Bad news: that means your mom is dead.

Son of b. Looks like Mother’s Day kind of sucks for everyone.

♥♥♥

Do you like your Mother’s Day with just a hint of truthful snark? Then you are going to LOVE these new cards designed by myself and three other über talented ladies: Emily of The Waiting, Meredith of Pile of Babies, and Ashley, writer at Mommyish. Emily had this great idea to put our heads together to create a Mother’s Day collection of cards that speak to the “real” and often hilarious side of motherhood. You know, non-Hallmark approved. We even made it so you can purchase and download any of these cards at our Etsy store to give to all the mamas in your life. Even better, 100% of the proceeds will be donated to an organization called Every Mother Counts, an non-profit that works to provide safe pregnancies and childbirth for women all over the world who don’t have access to the care and resources they need. So not only do you get to have a laugh at these cards, but your purchase also helps to ensure other mothers get the chance to find the humor in motherhood.

Here’s a sneak peak at the three cards I contributed to the collection:

To see the rest of the collection, go check them out on Emily’s blog, The Waiting, or head over to the Etsy store and get your own copies!

Happy Mother’s Day to all who celebrate it!

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I Won, Now It’s Your Turn: Mother’s Day Giveaway

Published on May 3, 2015May 3, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop7 Comments

This post is all about winning. Winning for you, and winning for me…well, technically not me. For one of the dresses you so kindly helped me choose to wear to next week’s Listen to Your Mother performance. But first, let’s talk about the winning for YOU, because the dress is pretty good at being patient and can wait.

Mother’s Day is around the corner. And just like good mamas take care of their young, what better excuse is there for me to take care of my readers? I have teamed up with my friend Maggie, owner of Jewelry Made by Maggie, who designs and creates some of my favorite pieces in my jewelry box. You want understated, timeless pieces you can wear everyday? She’s got those. Want colorful, trendy statement pieces for a night on the town? She has those, too. I haven’t seen one thing in Maggie’s Etsy store that I don’t love, and my husband is thankful to have a default go-to when gift-giving occasions roll around. You know, gift-giving occasions like Mother’s Day.

Because she is totally awesome, Maggie agreed to help me treat one of my mama readers…or even a reader who just has a mama. Everyone who enters our giveaway gets a chance to win EITHER a Layered Bar Necklace (in silver or gold – valued at $34) OR a Leather Wrap Bracelet with Gold Beads (valued at $30) from Maggie’s Etsy store. Your choice!

Continue reading “I Won, Now It’s Your Turn: Mother’s Day Giveaway” →

Please Be My Fashion Police

Published on April 29, 2015May 3, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop108 Comments

This is going to be short and sweet. The Listen To Your Mother St. Louis Show is just 10 days away, and this girl needs to figure out what she will be wearing on stage.

I already have my amazing (and FREE) shoes, compliments of Bronx Diba Shoe Outlet, and I found some equally pop-tastic coral-red jewelry to match (not compliments of Charming Charleys, but cheap enough to be close to free). But I need some help choosing which dress to wear. Here are my four options: Continue reading “Please Be My Fashion Police” →

Hey, I Just Bought An Area Rug…And Other Stuff

Published on April 22, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop11 Comments

You know how sometimes you call up a friend just to say hey? Well, that’s kind of all this is. Hey!

I didn’t get a real blog post written this week because I spent too much time binge watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt* on Netflix and shopping online for a new area rug after my husband casually mentioned he thought it might be time for a new one. And casually mentioning something like that translates in my head as, “Kelly, I think you should IMMEDIATELY drop everything and spend hours looking at area rugs until you find the perfect one that matches our current decor, but adds just a pop of a new color that we also need new throw pillows for the couch and possibly a new chair. But don’t tell me you’re also shopping for a new chair. Just put a few different options in your wish list basket. And then after we have lived with the new area rug for a month or so and really love it, mention to me that now our chair doesn’t really match the whole new vibe we have going on here. And then I’ll have to say ‘whatever, get a new chair’ …because if you don’t satisfy your obsessive and ongoing need to make over something, you’ll turn your attention to my wardrobe and, damn it, I like my t-shirts from high school with the holes in the armpits.” Continue reading “Hey, I Just Bought An Area Rug…And Other Stuff” →

The Google Search History of a 6-Year-Old Boy

Published on April 14, 2015April 13, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop56 Comments

I’d like to kiss the person who invented internet parental controls.

Raising kids in this digital age usually terrifies me. The moment my tween daughter first asked me for her own iPhone without the slightest hint of joking in her voice was enough to make me regret not becoming Amish. But being the (fairly) modern people we are, we do allow our kids their technological romps, with all necessary precautions in place. Like internet parental controls. And thank God, because had we been Amish, or not able to trust internet filters, I would have missed out on one of the funniest things I have ever read: my 6-year-old son’s Google search history.

In addition to playing Angry Birds Star Wars and Dr. Panda’s Restaurant, my son loves utilizing the Google voice search function on my husband’s phone. He will sit there and just start saying crap as it comes to mind, seeing what results pop up on Google. (Hence, my extreme gratitude for parental controls.) The other night, my husband came into the bedroom laughing. He handed me his phone and told me to check out the search history.

What I read was pretty much the most glorious manifesto of attention deficit disorder meets Nickelodeon meets everything little boys think about. Like, everything. Continue reading “The Google Search History of a 6-Year-Old Boy” →

Listen To Your Mother…Or Me. Either One.

Published on April 7, 2015April 6, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop25 Comments

Eat your vegetables. Put on a coat. Tie your shoes. If you don’t clean up this hell-hole-hurricane-disaster-zone-stinking-landfill-of-a-room, I will clean it for you…and give all your earthly possessions to homeless Brazilian Pygmies who don’t have bedazzled password journals.

I think we can all agree, though sometimes begrudgingly, that it is usually best to listen to your mother. In fact, listening to your mother has become such a universally good idea that 39 cities have decided to devote an entire show aimed at giving motherhood a microphone. One of those cities happens to be my hometown, St. Louis. And I am honored to say that I have been chosen as one of the mothers you should apparently listen to.

Yes, I am officially a cast member of the Listen To Your Mother St. Louis 2015 Show, which will happen on May 9th! Continue reading “Listen To Your Mother…Or Me. Either One.” →

3 Tips for Getting Kids To Eat Healthy (Hint: They All Involve Deception)

Published on March 31, 2015March 31, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop44 Comments

When it comes to eating healthy, kids talk a big talk. But they usually walk the walk that leads them straight to the sugar high.

Case in point: I was recently at an elementary school reading my book, Absolute Mayhem, to the kids. At one point in the story, my character Milo is struggling to choke down his vegetables in as many unsuccessful ways as possible. I always stop and ask the kids, “You guys like vegetables, right?” I usually get a pretty resounding “Yes!” drowning out those few, *ahem*…darling children who always insist on giving the answer they know you don’t want to hear. However, when I turn the page to reveal Milo and his sister Lulu feasting on a sweet buffet that is the stuff of doctor’s and dentists’ nightmares, a wide-eyed, covetous look creeps across the face of every single child sitting on the reading carpet. It’s a look that says, Screw you, vegetables.
Continue reading “3 Tips for Getting Kids To Eat Healthy (Hint: They All Involve Deception)” →

A Mother’s Advice for A 10 Year Old Daughter

Published on March 24, 2015 by Kelly Suellentrop41 Comments

Dear Daughter,

Welcome to the double digits. Turning ten is considered a milestone, celebrating the first decade of your life. But becoming the mother of a ten-year-old for the first time, well, this birthday is kind of terrifying for me. And not just because finding a gift for you is a real b*tch…since you feel you are too old for toys, and I feel you are too young for just about everything else. (You also likely know the word b*tch and how to properly use it. Thankfully, age ten does not seem to come with the courage to say it in front of me, only the eyerolls that imply it.)
Continue reading “A Mother’s Advice for A 10 Year Old Daughter” →