The Google Search History of a 6-Year-Old Boy

I’d like to kiss the person who invented internet parental controls.

Raising kids in this digital age usually terrifies me. The moment my tween daughter first asked me for her own iPhone without the slightest hint of joking in her voice was enough to make me regret not becoming Amish. But being the (fairly) modern people we are, we do allow our kids their technological romps, with all necessary precautions in place. Like internet parental controls. And thank God, because had we been Amish, or not able to trust internet filters, I would have missed out on one of the funniest things I have ever read: my 6-year-old son’s Google search history.

In addition to playing Angry Birds Star Wars and Dr. Panda’s Restaurant, my son loves utilizing the Google voice search function on my husband’s phone. He will sit there and just start saying crap as it comes to mind, seeing what results pop up on Google. (Hence, my extreme gratitude for parental controls.) The other night, my husband came into the bedroom laughing. He handed me his phone and told me to check out the search history.

What I read was pretty much the most glorious manifesto of attention deficit disorder meets Nickelodeon meets everything little boys think about. Like, everything. tweet-button(1)blog

google search history

I give you the transcription of random thoughts by my son:

7:39pm Searched for pictures of Triceratops and Allosaurus (Okay, pretty normal.)

7:39pm Searched for pictures of all the dinosaurs fighting (ALL? Like ALL the dinosaurs ever? Ambitious.)

7:40pm Searched for pictures of Bigfoot 

7:40pm Searched for pictures of gorillas

7:40pm Searched for pictures of Batman socks (Logical train of thought.)

7:41pm Searched for pictures of Beethoven playing the piano (I’m impressed with his interest in culture…)

7:41pm Searched for pictures of Beethoven the dog playing piano (AHHH. Makes much more sense.)

7:42pm Searched for pictures of fake girls playing piano (Crap. I didn’t think I needed to worry about this until puberty…)

7:42pm Searched for pictures of fake gorillas playing piano (Oh, thank God. I’m glad he cleared that one up.)

7:43pm Searched for pictures of T Rex Godzilla (Is this anything like Sharknado?)

7:44pm Searched for pictures of T Rex holding hands with Triceratops (Aw. Such innocence.)

7:45pm Searched for pictures of the dinosaurs all together (Kumbaya. What a sweet little bo-)

7:46pm Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaurs fighting people (Aaaand, that’s more like it.)

7:47pm Searched for pictures of strong and skinny T Rex with chains on his wrists and shins (What happened to all that peace and getting along and stuff? This is just some weird sh*t.)

7:48pm Searched for pictures of Velociraptor that’s skinny with giant muscles with jeans (Not gonna lie. I kind of want to see this)

7:49pm Searched for pictures of all the dinosaurs that are mutants (Again with the mutants?)

7:49pm Searched for pictures of dinosaurs eating Chinese food (I bet it’s hilarious to watch T-Rex use chopsticks.)

7:49pm Searched for pictures of mutant chickens (Obviously.)

7:50pm Searched for pictures of a Hot Wheels guy on Captain America motorcycle (A little too over-machismo. Maybe I should have let him play with more dolls.)

7:50pm Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur driving the Death Star

7:50pm Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur swearing (What? Swearing? Not my little darling…)

7:51pm Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur wearing a clone troopers helmet (Whew.)

7:51pm Searched for pictures of mutant Captain America (Isn’t that kind of redundant? Aren’t all superheroes technically mutants? *Cue comic book geeks flooding my comment section with explanations I don’t care about*)

7:52pm Searched for pictures of mutant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Is there an EXTRA mutant version?)

7:53pm Searched for pictures of steel jaw the real robot

7:54pm Searched for pictures of dinosaur steel

7:55pm Searched for pictures of steel don’t steal dog with giant muscles (Huh?)

7:55pm Searched for pictures of mutant dogs (Wow. He’s really into mutants.)

7:56pm Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaur dogs (And apparently dinosaurs. Especially mutant ones.)

7:56pm Searched for pictures of Yadier Molina (Not sure what our kick ass catcher has to do with mutant dinosaur dogs, but…Go Cards!)

7:56pm Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaurs playing baseball (No need to bring the Yankees into this.)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of human dinosaurs (I believe what he was looking for was “Larry King.”)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of rock people (Again, “Larry King.”)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of mummies (Also “Larry King.”)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of babies (Aw.)

7:58pm Searched for pictures of babies wearing a poopy diaper (And there it is.)

7:58pm Searched for pictures of Jesus carrying the cross (Double aw. Props to Catholic school!)

jim parsons big bang theory
photo credit: Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) via photopin (license)

7:59pm Searched for pictures of Jim Parsons (Um, Catholic school?)

8:00pm Searched for pictures of human baby Jim Parsons (As opposed to…)

8:00pm Searched for pictures of mutant baby Jim Parsons (Oh. Guess I should have seen that one coming.)

8:01pm Searched for pictures of really beautiful Jim Parsons (He’s quite the Jim Parsons fan.)

8:01pm Searched for pictures of Godzilla lizards (Are we still talking about Jim Parsons?)

8:02pm Searched for pictures of skinny three headed Godzilla the nerd (Yep, pretty sure we’re still on Jim Parsons.)

8:03pm Searched for pictures of space with nerds in space (When did he start watching Big Bang Theory?)

8:04pm Searched for pictures of April Fool’s mailboxes (I don’t even want to know. But I’m not opening our mailbox next April Fool’s day.)

8:04pm Searched for pictures of the Kids’ Choice Awards (Damn Nickelodeon brainwashing.)

8:05pm Searched for pictures of Nick Jonas wearing push up suits (Okay, this needs to end now.)

And it did end there. I can’t help but wonder where Nick Jonas would have led his train of thought had this continued. Still, it was pretty awesome to get a glimpse of what runs through my son’s mind in a half hour’s time. I think it would be safe to put a few dinosaur items on his birthday list. He clearly has a little obsession going on.

Oh, god. I just realized that when he’s a teenager, I can probably substitute dinosaur with sex and get a pretty accurate stream of thought. Remind me not to check his Google history then.

•••

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56 thoughts on “The Google Search History of a 6-Year-Old Boy

    1. You just made my day! Glad you found it as funny as I did. I had a feeling all parents who have or have ever had a 6-year-old could really appreciate this 🙂 6 is kind of an awesome age…I wouldn’t mind if he hung out here for awhile.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. So funny, Kelly! I love coming across my 5yo son’s rapid fire selfies (his head, shoe, foot, up his nose, crazy face) taken on my phone. I can only imagine what he would look up with Google Voice – Ha!

    Like

  2. Oh, this is just adorable, waaaaaaay cuter than when my 7 y.o. told me just yesterday that he’d been googling the lyrics to Jason Derulo’s song “Talk Dirty”. I shit you not.

    Like

    1. Oh my god. See, that’s where those parental controls fall short. I would’t put it above either of my kids to do the same thing. In fact, my daughter loves searching for her favorite songs on YouTube. Um yeah, I have to closely monitor that one.

      Like

  3. Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! What app are you using to track him? I would love to glimpse into my 7 year old’s mind! I’m sure he would also have a lot of dinosaur inquiries!

    Like

  4. If I was a nicer mom, I’d tell my 6 year old son about that feature. I suspect his search history would be all about Minecraft but my husband just told him how babies are made so I maybe it would be a little racier! I have to admit I’m a little curious to see pictures of mutant baby Jim Parsons.;)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. At what point do you foresee being just flat too scared to peep that google history search? Even if you don’t post about it, I expect an email saying, “Today is the day – I’m out. He searched “mothers of twins named after dinosaurs who have big boobs and a foot fetish.”

    Like

  6. “Do robot monsters wear underwear?” “Where do robots buy underwear”: “Who makes robot underwear”? “Photos of robot underwear”…yeah…I just get it. Loved this post! Made me LOL.

    Like

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