If You Wanna Get With Me, Put Away the “Just For Men”

“Good news. I found a few more gray hairs.”

Only my husband would qualify that as good news. Because he knows what a few more gray hairs mean: he has moved one step closer to being my dream man.


Very simply stated, I have an unhealthy attraction to old men.

old men drinking beer
Is this seat taken? Because this would be the cutest beer I would ever have.
photo credit: Hindrik S via photopin cc

Sometimes it’s more of an adoration, akin to how others might fawn over a baby duckling and a kitten being friends, or squeal at the sight of miniature infant-sized hiking boots. I mean, those boots are exactly.the.same in every way, but just tinier. I never get over it. Just in the way I never get over the overwhelming urge to snuggle with just about every adorable elderly man I see. When my husband and I took a trip to Ireland just over a year ago, I became exhausted from practicing the immense restraint that was needed to NOT hug all the cute old men who seems to overpopulate the country. As I observed:

Cute old men strolling/walking their dogs/riding bikes. These guys are everywhere in Ireland. Everywhere. And one thing you might not know about me is that I am a tad obsessed with cute old men, especially if they are riding bikes, walking dogs, or strolling in little Irish tweed caps. […] I move that we need more of these cute old men on the streets of America. Here, they are all behind the wheels of cars, decreasing the cuteness factor, as well as the safety for all drivers in the vicinity. I may try to start an organization that works to put new shiny bikes in the hands of  cute old men everywhere. It would be a step closer to my utopia.

I can’t help it. A cute old man will make me smile every time. Unless he makes me cry…because he can’t open a door, or finally learns how to read, or has to move away from his little three-year-old neighbor and best friend.

So there’s that.

But what is more perplexing is that in addition to being a sucker for the elderly male persuasion, I also tend to focus my crushes on them as well. My list of celebrities who do it for me are all eligible for AARP benefits:

steve carell
photo credit: ElHormiguero via photopin cc

Steve Carell, age 52 – It started with The Office, but he locked down my heart as Gru in Despicable Me. Who knew big-nosed bald guys with dogs named Kyle got me hot and bothered?

tom hanks
photo credit: aphrodite-in-nyc via photopin cc

Tom Hanks, age 58 – I have never not loved him. Even when he was in Joe Versus the Volcano. And I used to like Helen Hunt until she didn’t go back to him after he had survived a bagillion years on a deserted island, only thinking of her, in Cast Away. Now I just think “stupid wench” whenever I see her.

tony shalhoub monk
photo credit: Hot Rod Homepage via photopin cc

Tony Shalhoub, age 60 – I’m not sure if it’s really Tony Shalhoub I have a crush on or his legendary character, Adrian Monk. Either way, I’m fishing for an oldie. I spent a lot of Friday nights with Monk. A lot. It was a blessing and a curse.

micky dolenz meet and greet
The Happy Couple – Me and Micky

 Micky Dolenz, age 69 – We all know I want to be his girlfriend. Not only is he older than my dad, but he is currently starring in a play called Comedy Is Hard, where he plays an 84-year-old retired comedian in a old folks home. If that doesn’t have heartthrob written all over it, I don’t know what does.

nathaniel hawthorne
He’s like the Leonardo DiCaprio of the 19th century

Nathaniel Hawthorne, dead – When I used to teach The Scarlet Letter to high school students, I often referred to this revered American author as “Hottie Hawthorne.” I am pretty sure that had I lived in the early to mid-1800’s, I would have gladly brandished the mark of a sinner for a little sumpin’-sumpin’ with this wizard of words.

So finding a few more gray hairs was indeed good news for my husband. In my eyes, it just means he is getting hotter. I can’t wait to see how he is going to look in that tweed cap and sweater vest I’m going to get him for his birthday.

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21 thoughts on “If You Wanna Get With Me, Put Away the “Just For Men”

  1. Haha you make me laugh. I think old men are adorable, but more as cute grandpa figures…whatever floats your boat!!
    Whatever you do, do not watch the documentary about the cute old man who landed a small plane, when his pilot (another old man who DIED IN THE AIR) could not (SEE DEAD). HE WAS SO CUTE AND NICE.


  2. You crack me UP!!! This: “I mean, those boots are exactly.the.same in every way, but just tinier.” If you only knew how many times that exact line left my lips!! Tiny boots, tiny old school adidas, tiny Keens … I cannot!!!!! Then this: “…or finally learns how to read, or has to move away from his little three-year-old neighbor and best friend.” STOP. This post is perfect 🙂


  3. Wait, when did Nathaniel Hawthorne die? I didn’t see anything on Twitter!

    I’ve always liked older men, though it isn’t a requirement. And I didn’t realize Tony Shaloub was sixty! 🙂


  4. I think you miss the hugs from a certain Irish grandpa who wore a tweed cap and was about as cute as they come. I do ❤ Great blog!


  5. You are never meeting my husband. His nickname around here is “Old Guy.” He’s 12 years older than me and I’m over 50. I think he’s pretty cute; you’d probably jump his bones! BTW, what’s not to love about Tom Hanks? And maybe I would have been more excited about reading Hawthorne if I’d known he was not!


    1. Ha! Well, luckily I hate homewrecking a lot more than I love old men. And there is that whole being totally in love with my own husband thing.

      And there is nothing not to love about Tom Hanks. Nothing. I even love his wife and think they are adorable.

      And your English teacher did you a great disservice by not pointing that out. He or she should be ashamed.


  6. My husband is 43 and when he tries to grow a beard, it’s totally gray. He shaves his head so without a gray beard, he looks about 12. He still gets carded for beer and not just at Target where they card everyone. It’s totally annoying. He recently grew a beard and tried Just For Men, which turned his beard orange and the skin underneath brown. Hee-hee-hee-hee. Welcome to my world, old man!


  7. Ha ha, I love it – Nathaniel Hawthorne, dead. Actually there are lots of older men to choose from in that category! I think I’ll go straight to the top and take Franklin D. Roosevelt. Before he married Eleanor.


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