I Am Afraid I May Have Wished It All Away

Published on by Kelly Suellentrop

I wish he would start sleeping through the night…I wish she would hold her bottle on her own…I wish he would learn to sit up…I wish she could tell me exactly what she wanted…I wish he would figure out potty-training…I wish she could pour herself some milk…I wish he would watch something besides “Thomas the Tank Engine”…I wish she went to school for longer than two-and-a-half hours…2008-11-30 Thanksgiving

Now they do. And now I am afraid I wished it all away. My baby starting Kindergarten has hit me a little harder than I had expected. Cut to just a few short weeks ago, I was the one listing off the reasons it was time for my kids to go back to school. I was antsy, on the verge of discovering for the first time the freedom that comes with having both of my children educated all day long, five days a week. This was something I had passing fantasies about for the last eight years. So I didn’t expect to find myself grieving when my wish finally came true.

The first real wave of sadness came a week and a half after Michael started Kindergarten. The first day I went to pick up the kids from school, I pulled into the parking lot and almost instinctively started to get out of my car and head over to the tree where all the moms bring their little ones to play while waiting for the students to let out. Then it hit me: I don’t have a little one to bring to the tree. I was alone in the car. I felt as though I should pull out my phone to check my emails in the driver’s seat, just like all the other moms of older kids. I may as well start online shopping for graduation invitations while I was at it.

But the real emotional juggernaut came later, when Michael had a late start day at school. I decided to take advantage of a little alone time with him and head to a park. Mid-morning…at a playground. It’s like Mecca for toddlers. I couldn’t help but have constant flashbacks to the days of having little ones, as I was surrounded by all these moms with tots. I was suddenly overcome with the feeling that I hadn’t enjoyed those days enough…and now I had missed my chance.

In order to get my mind off of it, I suggested to Michael we take a little walk. We sat by the pond playing I Spy. Michael was coming up with his typical answers that are either totally obvious (“I spy with my little eye something that is blue and on my foot“…. Your shoe?…“Yes.”) or totally funny (“I spy with my little eye something big that blows fire”… A dragon?… “Yes”… Where’s a dragon?… “In my imagination.”). As we were playing, I couldn’t help but think about when he was younger, and he would simply spy the exact same thing the person before him spied. Grace and I used to giggle at him and try to pretend like we didn’t know what it was. As soon as we made one wrong guess, he would just tell us the answer. Either that, or he would simply start off saying, “I spy wiff my wittle eye a tree.” …Um, is it a tree?…“Yes.” As I oscillated between reminiscing and playing the game with him beside the pond, he said something so poignant, proof that God speaks to us through little moments.

“I spy with my little eye something that is red and inside you, and you give it to people when you miss them.”

I asked if it was your heart. He answered yes.

“You give your heart to people when you miss them so they feel better.”

I detected a slight break in his voice, which I knew was caused by his anxiety over the impending start time of school. I told him my heart is always with him to help calm the fears he is still trying to overcome. But I felt a break in my own voice…because I knew I was going to miss this moment one day…just like I was missing what already seems like a long ago time when we could come to the park on a whim, and I would be carrying around baggies of Cheerios and sippy cups of water in my purse. And both of my children wore tiny little shoes and outfits that matched because they still let me dress them. And I would shadow them around the playground, secretly wishing that someone we knew would show up so I could have a just little adult conversation. In stark contrast, at this moment by the pond, I barely made eye contact with the other parents, because all I wanted to do on this day was play with my son.wishedaway But it was time to take Michael to school, and I had spent the last five years of his life, and the last eight years of Grace’s life, wishing it all away…so I could have MY time. Now I’m spending my time wishing it would all come back. It can’t come back. I know that. It is silly to waste time wishing for it, because all I would be doing is missing out on who my children are NOW. I spent their past looking at the future; it would be a crime to spend their present looking at the past.

It is as if Michael knew on some level what I was going through that mid-morning by the pond. He somehow felt I was missing him in his toddler form, with a nose that was always snotty, a mouth that ate everything but food, and a body always ready to snuggle. So he told me something that let me know that same little heart was still beating in his bigger self, and made me realize that the boy he is now is better than the one I could have ever wished for then.

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238 thoughts on “I Am Afraid I May Have Wished It All Away”

  6. Sweet, beautiful, and so, so, true. It passes whether we wish it would or not. Even when we are as present as we could possibly be for every moment. My oldest son (32) and his wife were here this past weekend. I spent part of the time coming up behind him as he sat on the couch, kissing the back of his head, in the spot that used to stand up so wild after his nap, wishing my precious little boy could return for just a moment. Pitiful, huh? But again, so, so true.

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    1. Not pitiful at all. I often think about how I will probably be one of those moms who annoy her kids by always trying to cuddle them and hug them when the are older. And I love what you said about kissing the spot where he used to have bed head. It is funny how little things like that become so dear to us.

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  7. Kelly, This will hit home for all Mothers! You hit it right on the nail or should I say right in the “heart”! I still remember that feeling and still have it in some form or another. I remember just such a time long ago that I had, spending some one on one time with Matthew. He too must have sensed my sadness. It was when Michael turned 10 – double digits – Wow! He said, “Mommy I’ll always stay little and be with you – I’ll always be 5 !” Well as you know that didn’t happen but I treasure that memory today! Thanks for the post!

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  8. This one is for women who “can’t wait to get their life back after their kids grow” and then realize their kids are their life and teach them everything that is important to know. Just wait until you are empty nesters! There is still time. You have a long way to go. This can be an epiphany that suggests in future you remember to relish every moment, even the intense moments. I wish we could all remember that.

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  9. Needed.To.Hear.This. I don’t have nearly as much experiencing momming as you, but it seems like there is no possible way to relish those moments as much as they deserve. We are but imperfect vessels of the perfect love that we have for our babies. I guess this is both a good and bad thing?

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    1. Um, the whole imperfect vessels thing. Girl, you nailed it beautifully. And you are right, there is no way we can every fully appreciate the moments as they are happening. That is what makes it so frustrating when an era has passed.

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  11. I think they just keep getting better…you think they could never be as cute, or funny, or sweet and then they continue to wow you. Enjoy the ride!

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  12. Most of us are guilty of this and feel the guilt too! I just wish I could figure out the key to life without regrets! It’s probably as simple as accepting that you strive for your best each day and knowing that’s all you can really do. But so much easier said than done!

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    1. Glad to know I’m in good company. And I think you got it right about that acceptance part. All we can do is make peace with what has passed. But it’s hard…it’s soooooooooo hard sometimes. And of course, at these sappy moments, all I’m remembering is the good parts of having little tots. Rose-colored hindsight glasses…

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  13. I read this. I really tried to enjoy each moment of my guys. If you think it is hard to see them leave the nest and start school just wait till they go away to college and then again when they pack up all their stuff and leave for good. I remember Steve never looking back as he walked to his dorm and my heart sank. But a friend told me that was a sign I did a good job….that he could just go and not hesitate. And now the house is empty left with nothing but memories and it has been a total grieving process for me. I wasn’t prepared for this and no matter what people tell you to help get ready for it you cant imagine it until you experience it. They are my life and i am their mom and that is what I did for so many years and loved it. But like the Irma Bombeck poem says they are like kites and we have to cut the strings and let they fly. It is also my time to fly and find out who I am. Now we all have our own lives to enjoy and journey through. But one thing for sure is I will always be their mom. And they have my heart!

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  15. I also had tears in my eyes…we had all 3 of the guys home a few weekends ago (a rare occurrence) and I just soaked it up. I miss my little boys, but I love the men they have become. You hit the nail on the head when you said you didn’t want to miss their present by living in their past. I think that as Mom’s we do spend a lot of energy waiting for them to grow up, and then a lot of energy wishing we could go back. It’s part of the territory. I will always feel them curled onto my shoulder, smelling that wonderful baby smell. I still feel their hand in mine walking to the bus, and I can still hear them bouncing off the walls playing some crazy version of some goofy game. I have tried to enjoy each stage of life as it played out, sometimes more successfully than others. Thank you for reminding me, in your funny and poignant way of the joys of watching my children grow up. And thank you for reminding me that they will always have my heart, and I will have theirs.

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    1. Oh Kathy….I’m crying again. Geez. I cried when I wrote this and then thought, “Good, that was cathartic. I got it out of my system.” Then I keep getting all choked up every time someone makes a sweet comment like this. And it makes me miss you!

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  16. This post got me….. i am holding back the tears and trying to swallow the lump in my throat. Just last night as I sat on the floor with my current babies – my 7 year old walked past and she looked like a young lady and I instantly longed to have her outspoken, always smiling, chubby toddler back…. The time goes too fast….way too fast! I will say that having a 4 year span between my older 2 and younger 2 did give me enough time to realize to cherish the boys baby/toddler stages that much more knowing how quickly these days will be just memories!

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    1. I’m touched that this is hitting home with so many people. And I get it…I think age 7 is when you really look at them and think, “Oh my gosh, the are almost not kids anymore.” There is something about that age. And it does seem like you had a good plan…maybe I just need to have more babies! You sure have some insanely cute ones to cherish!

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  17. WOW…..that had tears rolling!! It makes me want to take the rest of the year off of work and spend everyday with Molly and Kate taking in every moment before Molly is headed to preschool!Too bad that won’t pay the bills! Thanks for this post! Love that little insightful Michael Bear….I don’t think I will ever forget his “I Spy” line!

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      1. I know for sure I would still feel like this! Just saying I wish for more time because of it….but no matter what we will never have enough time!! When I read it it just made me want to be with my kids! 🙂 And yes I agree they are all keepers…don’t forget Miss Grace too! 🙂

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  19. The best you can do is write it all down, take lots of pictures, and find a good place to get a prom dress/tuxedo. Now that I have grand kids, it starts all over again… write it all down, take lots of pictures …

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    1. I fear I don’t write enough of it down. My son’s baby book is practically empty. But this is partly what my blog is for…to help me remember. And my mom echoed what you said about the grandkids. You experience it all over again. Thanks so much for your comment!

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  20. This is very touching and resonates with me fiercely! Hold tight to those feelings you just wrote about, because I too have often thought I wished my sons life forward too fast. Often I wish I hadn’t wished all those wishes… because they do grow up to fast and before you know it they are… as my son is an adult.

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  21. This made me cry. I’m in the middle of the wishing away phase right now, with two little ones napping while I try to cram in all the Me Things and all the house drudgery into whatever little time I get to myself. But I know these times of reflection are coming for me too, all too quickly.

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    1. I know…it is SO HARD when you’re in the middle of it. You can’t always appreciate the moments…it’s just not possible. But hopefully every now and again you will take a minute to enjoy the here and now…and then your kid will smear lotion all over the wall and you’ll go right back to wishing it away 🙂 That’s how it works, right?

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  23. Sigh. What it means to be a parent. It’s always hard to see your kids leave the nest even if it is only for a few hours a day. That’s when all our prior complaints disappear and we stand wishing we could continue to complain. This one made my heart all warm and fuzzy. Beautiful post. Loved it.

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  24. It is obvious from the comments that we all think this way – that is, wishing for the next step in our children’s lives when our lives become easier, rather than just being. My daughter has just entered her 3rd university year and every single time she returns home or leaves, I get all weepy. Then she gets weepy and we just get weepy on one another. I am so proud of the young woman she has become, and I tell her that so very often. She has a much greater heart than mine, and a genuine nature that I admire so much.

    Whenever I see a young girl playing or out with her parents, I think about what my father once said to me. I remember quite vividly that it was a day when I was frustrated because my young daughter just wouldn’t settle down for a nap and I was exhausted. My dad said ‘Just remember that although the days seem long, the years are short’.

    I’m getting all teary just thinking about this again………

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    1. Your dad is a smart man. I was just telling someone else that all the positive response to this post has helped me through the sadness I was feeling over this. It’s crazy that what started as a catharsis for me on a day I was feeling particularly mopey has resonated with so many people. But it’s nice to know that every parent goes through this…and that there are so many more amazing things to cherish happening now…and in the future. Thank you for your comment.

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  25. Being a first time mum this is something I’ve often thought about. I can’t imagine my boy being anything other than a toddler but every day he’s coming out with new words. It’s scary at times realising your world rests in another’s hands (particularly ones so small!). Your message is a heartfelt reminder not to hurry through the day preoccupied with routine. Thank you for writing this, from both me and my tot 🙂

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  29. Kids are a hoot. One should never give them the boot. My wife and I have three and believe it or not they all sat on my knee. But the got older and we set them free. Now they come and visit and pop in for some bread. That is what a parents does enough said.

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  31. All teary here… with not-so-teeny-anymore boys wondering why. Beautifully expressed. And I think it only gets better as they become these older, interesting humans that say these awesome things. xoxo

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  34. Ahh! This post is really eye-opening. As a mother of two little girls (9 and 5) I often get so excited with each passing milestone, telling myself “thank goodness they’re getting older, less work for me.” I know, I know it sounds terrible but who doesn’t want their alone time? I love my children, they’re my reason for every waking day and reading this just reminds me that if my child stops to smell a flower, I should do the same because one day I’ll be walking alone : ( Thank you!

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    1. You are not alone in thinking that. I do it all the time. I think it’s only normal. But that little moment with my son made me realize to enjoy what leads up to those milestones, and i really love that this is resonating so much with others. It makes my heart happy. Thanks so much for your comment!

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  37. This post came at such an ideal time for me. My little one is 6 months today. She’s been sick for the past week which means she’s been fussy, cranky, emotional and wants me to do nothing but carry her. I’ve been exhausted… Hardly any sleep and I’ve found myself wishing she were older so I would have to do less. As I reflect, I feel that I was loosing sight of the present and the joys of having my little one need me and want me to be her everything. Thank you for reminding to be present in every moment, even the difficult ones. Beautifully written, you even had me crying a little… 🙂 reawakened.

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    1. That really means a lot to me that this helped you right now…because nothing can beat you down like a sick baby. Anytime you don’t get sleep makes it so hard. And I think we are all allowed to have those moments of wishing a certain time to be over…I mean, who wants to experience cranky baby all the time? But it is also nice to remind yourself that sometime even the hard moments will end up being cherished ones down the road.

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    2. I think we may be the same person! I write this as I lay beside my (finally) sleeping, sickly 6 month old! Hubby works midnight a so all the night waking, soothing, nasal aspirating (blech) is up to me and me alone! Sometimes I remember to appreciate every second as she is my last (like those first 3 months where her tiny body took all her naps on top of me!) but most often I catch myself within things away. My oldest just started kindergarten and I don’t know where the time has gone. Thanks for the reminder!

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  38. This is so beautiful and so true, and gives me a knot in my stomach. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy these precious moments. My youngest will be 2 in a couple of months, and I am dreading it for once. I think I’ve finally realized (after 3 kids) that you have to try to enjoy it as much as possible because one day it will be gone.

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  39. I very much needed this to read today. Thank you. I am IN the throes of those toddler moments, with 4 kids ranging from 6 to 9 mos, and it feels never ending sometimes. The times that I get the angriest at them? when I perceive them taking away “my” time. Some day, in the not too distant future, all I will have is “my” time. It’s good for me to remember.

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    1. Girl, I know that feeling. I’ve done the same thing so many times. And I know how hard life can be with little kids…which makes me even happier to know this post helped you today. Some days you just need a little boost from an unexpected place.

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  40. Thanks goodness I’m a male and didn’t need to have a cry over this – just got something in my eye that’s all! A great, engaging piece. Thanks.

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  41. I have two young girls and yes, there are moments when I think, “I wish they’d do this or that” or “I wish I had some time to myself” – but I try so hard to remember that this time is ever-so fleeting in the grand scheme of things. Thanks for this reminder to stop and smell the roses.

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  42. This is exactly what I used to say while I was a young mother. I couldn’t wait for her to grow up to become an adult and become my friend. Now that I know that this isn’t the correct way to approach the situation, I am hoping that she will read this blog and understand that this is no way to be….the way that I used to be. Now that I am going to become a grandmother, I want to take those little extra steps and laugh/giggle a little more with my baby’s baby. Its only fair that she/he gets to know that her/his grandmother regrets not being a patient mother…

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    1. I hear that is one of the best parts of becoming a grandparent…you get to try all over again. I don’t think you can be a mother and not have regrets. And your daughter is lucky to have a mother who is obviously so excited to be a support system to her as she embarks on this crazy journey!

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  43. It’s so true, I did it and now I see my eldest daughter doing it with her three. As a Nanny I have the patience of a saint, I don’t care that the house gets trashed and we happily make mud pies, we all cram into bed together and sing at the top of our voices. We have even been known to dance when we hear music we like in the supermarket. Why I why didn’t I do this with my own girls. Sigh

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    1. Because even though you spend a lot of time with them and love them, they aren’t YOUR kids. You aren’t the one responsible for who they become, and that’s a stressful job. But what an amazing nanny you sound like!!

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  44. I made that mistake with my oldest, but I remember holding my second child and thinking “this is why the baby of the family acts the way he does – no one pushes him to grow up. We know better.” Thank you for the validation. This is the end of the first week without both my kids (they’re visiting grandparents for the week while the sitter is out of town), and I’ve enjoyed my down time, but I find it bittersweet. I’m ready to get my babies back again for exactly the reasons you mention. Thank you for the post.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I think you are right about the youngest. My son is definitely more attached to me than my daughter was at that age, and I think that is part of the reason. Enjoy the rest of your “me time” and hug on those kiddos when they get back!

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  45. Oh my heart! I catch myself being exhausted, hurried and crabby. It’s rush rush rush to get my girls to school. By the time we get to the parking lot, whatever fit of temper that had been thrown over not wanting to brush teeth/wear shoes/you-name-it has usually evaporated and me and the girls hold hands. Even if it’s just from the car to the sidewalk where one always takes off running, hand outstretched old school football player style to press the button to open the door – that moment is mine. To feel the little squishiness left in their little hands, the tight grip and small steps. It’s a nice moment in the mornings. Thank you for this tear jerker of a post! It will serve as a good reminder for me to chill out and enjoy the moment!

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    1. I totally feel you on the whole morning routine! I feel like we have a similar cycle…I yell at them to hurry up and then feel bad about it as I’m driving them to school. I never want them to start off their school day thinking I am upset with them. So there is always that moment of reconciliation. It’s important.

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  46. Lovely post. I’m feeling that now that I just walked my daughter up the stairs and watched her walk down the hallway to Kindergarten alone. I cried but held on to my youngest even tighter today. I had one start High School, one start Middle School, and one start Elementary this week. I’m a wreck. It’s so nice to see someone really understand. Thank goodness I have one more at home! 2 more years and I’m going to hold on to every second.

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  47. We are such playthings of time, aren’t we? Forward, ruthlessly forward, no matter what gets trampled. You put it so well, thanks. I am writing a song right now that touches on these very thoughts. I will try to remember to share it with you.

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  48. adorable kiddos. Endings are Beginnings..Another step toward becoming their own persons. We nurture and love and enjoy these periods.. Time moves on. We cannot stop it.

    Enjoy now and don’t worry about the past. There’s nothing you can do about it.

    One day they will leave your home for good, but you will always be their mom…always hold a special place in their heart.

    Let them grow. You’ll grow with them. Then, one day they will fly your nest to incorporate the love, guidance and values you gave them.

    Your job is never over. Enjoy the ride!!

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  49. Your words rang very true for me as I’m sure they do for most parents. This is one of the reasons I love homeschooling right now. Just to share more moments. They’re not toddlers anymore and they won’t be again, but they are young still and so precious.

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