The Google Search History of a 6-Year-Old Boy

I’d like to kiss the person who invented internet parental controls.

Raising kids in this digital age usually terrifies me. The moment my tween daughter first asked me for her own iPhone without the slightest hint of joking in her voice was enough to make me regret not becoming Amish. But being the (fairly) modern people we are, we do allow our kids their technological romps, with all necessary precautions in place. Like internet parental controls. And thank God, because had we been Amish, or not able to trust internet filters, I would have missed out on one of the funniest things I have ever read: my 6-year-old son’s Google search history.

In addition to playing Angry Birds Star Wars and Dr. Panda’s Restaurant, my son loves utilizing the Google voice search function on my husband’s phone. He will sit there and just start saying crap as it comes to mind, seeing what results pop up on Google. (Hence, my extreme gratitude for parental controls.) The other night, my husband came into the bedroom laughing. He handed me his phone and told me to check out the search history.

What I read was pretty much the most glorious manifesto of attention deficit disorder meets Nickelodeon meets everything little boys think about. Like, everything.Click To Tweet

google search history

I give you the transcription of random thoughts by my son:

7:39pm Searched for pictures of Triceratops and Allosaurus (Okay, pretty normal.)

7:39pm Searched for pictures of all the dinosaurs fighting (ALL? Like ALL the dinosaurs ever? Ambitious.)

7:40pm Searched for pictures of Bigfoot 

7:40pm Searched for pictures of gorillas

7:40pm Searched for pictures of Batman socks (Logical train of thought.)

7:41pm Searched for pictures of Beethoven playing the piano (I’m impressed with his interest in culture…)

7:41pm Searched for pictures of Beethoven the dog playing piano (AHHH. Makes much more sense.)

7:42pm Searched for pictures of fake girls playing piano (Crap. I didn’t think I needed to worry about this until puberty…)

7:42pm Searched for pictures of fake gorillas playing piano (Oh, thank God. I’m glad he cleared that one up.)

7:43pm Searched for pictures of T Rex Godzilla (Is this anything like Sharknado?)

7:44pm Searched for pictures of T Rex holding hands with Triceratops (Aw. Such innocence.)

7:45pm Searched for pictures of the dinosaurs all together (Kumbaya. What a sweet little bo-)

7:46pm Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaurs fighting people (Aaaand, that’s more like it.)

7:47pm Searched for pictures of strong and skinny T Rex with chains on his wrists and shins (What happened to all that peace and getting along and stuff? This is just some weird sh*t.)

7:48pm Searched for pictures of Velociraptor that’s skinny with giant muscles with jeans (Not gonna lie. I kind of want to see this)

7:49pm Searched for pictures of all the dinosaurs that are mutants (Again with the mutants?)

7:49pm Searched for pictures of dinosaurs eating Chinese food (I bet it’s hilarious to watch T-Rex use chopsticks.)

7:49pm Searched for pictures of mutant chickens (Obviously.)

7:50pm Searched for pictures of a Hot Wheels guy on Captain America motorcycle (A little too over-machismo. Maybe I should have let him play with more dolls.)

7:50pm Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur driving the Death Star

7:50pm Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur swearing (What? Swearing? Not my little darling…)

7:51pm Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur wearing a clone troopers helmet (Whew.)

7:51pm Searched for pictures of mutant Captain America (Isn’t that kind of redundant? Aren’t all superheroes technically mutants? *Cue comic book geeks flooding my comment section with explanations I don’t care about*)

7:52pm Searched for pictures of mutant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Is there an EXTRA mutant version?)

7:53pm Searched for pictures of steel jaw the real robot

7:54pm Searched for pictures of dinosaur steel

7:55pm Searched for pictures of steel don’t steal dog with giant muscles (Huh?)

7:55pm Searched for pictures of mutant dogs (Wow. He’s really into mutants.)

7:56pm Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaur dogs (And apparently dinosaurs. Especially mutant ones.)

7:56pm Searched for pictures of Yadier Molina (Not sure what our kick ass catcher has to do with mutant dinosaur dogs, but…Go Cards!)

7:56pm Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaurs playing baseball (No need to bring the Yankees into this.)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of human dinosaurs (I believe what he was looking for was “Larry King.”)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of rock people (Again, “Larry King.”)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of mummies (Also “Larry King.”)

7:57pm Searched for pictures of babies (Aw.)

7:58pm Searched for pictures of babies wearing a poopy diaper (And there it is.)

7:58pm Searched for pictures of Jesus carrying the cross (Double aw. Props to Catholic school!)

jim parsons big bang theory
photo credit: Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) via photopin (license)

7:59pm Searched for pictures of Jim Parsons (Um, Catholic school?)

8:00pm Searched for pictures of human baby Jim Parsons (As opposed to…)

8:00pm Searched for pictures of mutant baby Jim Parsons (Oh. Guess I should have seen that one coming.)

8:01pm Searched for pictures of really beautiful Jim Parsons (He’s quite the Jim Parsons fan.)

8:01pm Searched for pictures of Godzilla lizards (Are we still talking about Jim Parsons?)

8:02pm Searched for pictures of skinny three headed Godzilla the nerd (Yep, pretty sure we’re still on Jim Parsons.)

8:03pm Searched for pictures of space with nerds in space (When did he start watching Big Bang Theory?)

8:04pm Searched for pictures of April Fool’s mailboxes (I don’t even want to know. But I’m not opening our mailbox next April Fool’s day.)

8:04pm Searched for pictures of the Kids’ Choice Awards (Damn Nickelodeon brainwashing.)

8:05pm Searched for pictures of Nick Jonas wearing push up suits (Okay, this needs to end now.)

And it did end there. I can’t help but wonder where Nick Jonas would have led his train of thought had this continued. Still, it was pretty awesome to get a glimpse of what runs through my son’s mind in a half hour’s time. I think it would be safe to put a few dinosaur items on his birthday list. He clearly has a little obsession going on.

Oh, god. I just realized that when he’s a teenager, I can probably substitute dinosaur with sex and get a pretty accurate stream of thought. Remind me not to check his Google history then.

velociraptor

After this post ran on Scary Mommy, a very cool gentleman contacted them saying he loved the post and wanted to do something for my son, and they forwarded this picture to me. Since most of my son’s search terms probably would not have yielded what he was hoping for, this man decided to put his amazing artistic talents to work to create a visual depiction of one of them: “Velociraptor that’s skinny with giant muscles with jeans.” I’m beyond grateful to this stranger, who did not want any recognition, saying he just wanted to do something cool for my son, whose imaginative search history had entertained him. I mean, this guy did us all a favor. Our lives are certainly richer for seeing what a velociraptor that’s skinny with giant muscles with jeans looks like. 

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55 Responses

  1. My husband and I were in hysterics reading this! Our six year old is likely to search for the exact same things! Thank you for making us laugh so hard there were tears, and a few laugh snorts too!

    • You just made my day! Glad you found it as funny as I did. I had a feeling all parents who have or have ever had a 6-year-old could really appreciate this 🙂 6 is kind of an awesome age…I wouldn’t mind if he hung out here for awhile.

  2. Substitute the word “ninja” everywhere you have “dinosaur,” and that is our search history also.

  3. I laughed out loud over this! Thanks so much for sharing – gave me a much-needed Tuesday morning chuckle!

  4. This is historical! There’s nothing quite as magical and down right weird as the mind of a child!

  5. So funny, Kelly! I love coming across my 5yo son’s rapid fire selfies (his head, shoe, foot, up his nose, crazy face) taken on my phone. I can only imagine what he would look up with Google Voice – Ha!

  6. That’s just awesome! *reminds self to never allow Tazzie to access Google*

  7. This is super funny! If it makes you feel any better, we have Amish friends who have smartphones, so even as an Amish person you might have to deal with parental controls!

  8. Haha my son is only 2, but I can him doing this. Thanks for the laugh!!

  9. thejillist

    Oh, this is just adorable, waaaaaaay cuter than when my 7 y.o. told me just yesterday that he’d been googling the lyrics to Jason Derulo’s song “Talk Dirty”. I shit you not.

    • Oh my god. See, that’s where those parental controls fall short. I would’t put it above either of my kids to do the same thing. In fact, my daughter loves searching for her favorite songs on YouTube. Um yeah, I have to closely monitor that one.

  10. I seriously laughed out loud reading this. Our little guy is only 3, but I can already see this coming! Great post!

  11. Epic! This just epic. Oh, if I’d only saved all the funny searches I found… Brilliant!

  12. Lol! Trex with chopsticks!

  13. OMG, this was so funny. Beethoven “the dog” was great. And the mutant dinosaur driving the Death Star? What an imagination.

  14. Trying to read this aloud was impossible. I choked with laughter

  15. Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! What app are you using to track him? I would love to glimpse into my 7 year old’s mind! I’m sure he would also have a lot of dinosaur inquiries!

    • It’s not an app…it’s just the Google voice search function. Like Google’s version of Siri. I have to be honest, I don’t use it. My husband is the one who showed the kids how it works.

    • And then all I did to see what he searched for was to check the search history in the internet settings.

  16. If I was a nicer mom, I’d tell my 6 year old son about that feature. I suspect his search history would be all about Minecraft but my husband just told him how babies are made so I maybe it would be a little racier! I have to admit I’m a little curious to see pictures of mutant baby Jim Parsons.;)

  17. At what point do you foresee being just flat too scared to peep that google history search? Even if you don’t post about it, I expect an email saying, “Today is the day – I’m out. He searched “mothers of twins named after dinosaurs who have big boobs and a foot fetish.”

    • Ha!! I am hoping I have a little more time to not be repulsed by his searches. But I will be sure to let you know. I can only imagine the traffic THAT blog post would generate. Yuck.

  18. This is a riot! You must never stop laughing over there!

  19. This is indeed very entertaining 🙂

  20. ROFL, best list ever! This literally had me in hysterics! Too much fun!

  21. Reblogged this on Simple NH Living and commented:
    Ha! Really enjoyed this post. Looking forward to spying on Mateo’s search history when he’s this age. Too funny.

  22. This made me laugh this morning. I also think I should check out my kid’s kindles. It might be entertaining….

  23. This is hilarious! I was laughing so hard I cried! Thanks for making my night!

  24. “Do robot monsters wear underwear?” “Where do robots buy underwear”: “Who makes robot underwear”? “Photos of robot underwear”…yeah…I just get it. Loved this post! Made me LOL.

  25. […] think I’m lame for being a stay-at-home mom. But usually, I’m more about revealing my 6-year-old’s Google search history and envisioning what superhero keg parties would look like. Yet when I see a story taking over my […]

  26. […] There’s a lot to love, from the catchy riffs (Is that Peter’s banjo I hear? Be still my heart!), to Micky’s ageless vocals (as if it’s possible NOT to love that), to the playful lyrics penned by Weezer front man, Rivers Cuomo (waving will henceforth be mandatory when in a canoe). But that phrase, “I’m so glad that I got her to think of”…I keep coming back to it. It’s just a really nice way of saying you dig someone – to be so happy a certain person is there to take up space in your mind, even when he or she isn’t physically around. We all have those people. I for one can always boost my mood by thinking about that time I aided and abetted my husband in stealing a giant wagon wheel from a front lawn, or when my daughter played church using a leopard print Snuggie and a Shel Silverstein book, or my son’s Google search history. […]

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