January 2016 – Are You Finished Yet?

The Dirty Breakup: The Rams and St. Louis Don’t Belong Together Anyway

Published on January 14, 2016 by Kelly Suellentrop4 Comments

“Sick to my stomach.” Four little words, written by my cousin, came across my Facebook feed. At first I thought to myself, it’s not like him to broadcast his ailments on social media. Then I realized. Ohhhhhhh. I had a feeling I knew why he felt sick. Sure enough, Google confirmed my suspicions: “The Rams are Headed Back to L.A.”

Aw, snap. I have a feeling this breakup is about to get dirty.

I want to be completely honest in letting you know that, personally, I did not have a dog in this fight. I’m not a huge fan of football, unless it involves Coach Taylor and a Netflix binge of Friday Night Lights. So, personally, I couldn’t care any more about St. Louis not having a football team than I do about the Kardashians doing, well, anything. Still, I’m sad for my city. I’m bummed for my husband, who looks forward to chilling out and watching the game on the weekends. And truth be told, I’m pretty pissed at Stan Kroenke for the slimy way he went about the whole thing. Like the rest of Rams fans, I’m taking it a little personally. I may not have strong feelings for football, but I do have strong feelings for my hometown. And he crapped all over us. Not in the “my-adorable-little-baby-just-had-a-blowout-and-I’m-covered-in-poop-but-it’s-okay-because-it-comes-with-the-parenthood-territory” kind of way. He crapped on us in the “some-totally-obnoxious-jackleg-got-all-wasted-and-thought-I-was-a-toilet-then-cussed-me-out-when-I-got-angry-about-it” kind of way. You know, the most disrespectful, nonsensical, a-hole way to get crapped on.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize the Rams just don’t belong in St. Louis anymore. Maybe this breakup is a good thing. The organization has come to stand for tenets and practices which, frankly, we would be crazy to want any part of. Because it’s not who we are or who we should want to be.

[clickToTweet tweet=”The Rams just don’t belong in St. Louis anymore. We’d be crazy to want them to stay. #RamsToLA” quote=”The Rams just don’t belong in St. Louis anymore. We’d be crazy to want them to stay.”]

I was reminded of this shortly after learning of the decision to move the Rams back to L.A., as I listened to my daughter recount her day at school:

“Mom, Mrs. R did this thing in class today where she gave everyone a dollar and said we could either use our money to buy an extra recess or the answers to tonight’s math homework. Only five people used their dollar for the homework answers. But then, Mrs. R started writing the answers on the board. Everyone could see them! Even the kids who used their money for recess! So all of us who didn’t pay for the answers started covering our eyes and looking away. You know, because it wouldn’t be fair otherwise. Then Mrs. R said, ‘You guys are too good.’ As a reward, there would be no math homework for ANYONE, because we showed integrity. The whole thing had been a test!”

Even CHILDREN know when to value integrity over the almighty dollar. Even they understand the consequences of going back on your word. I’m glad I still get to live in St. Louis with these kids instead of with Stan Kroenke.

Here’s the thing: we deserve better than the Rams organization. The Rams and St. Louis have been like that couple where one person is so obviously undeserving of the other. Just the other day I was watching an episode of The Great Food Truck Race, and the competitors found themselves in St. Louis. When one of the food truck teams pulled up to their spot and began preparations to serve customers, a bunch of folks on the street lent a hand, helping them load supplies into their kitchen. Granted, I’m pretty sure the name of the truck was “Let There Be Bacon,” and St. Louisans are generally hard-core fans of cured meats, but a little bubble of pride burst in me as I watched it happen. Guys, we really are a great city. That’s the St. Louis I know, the one I grew up in. So there’s no way bacon-loading Good Samaritans and money-grubbing Stan Kroenke could ever make the perfect couple. Besides, it’s clear that he’s just not that into us – which is fine, as far as I’m concerned. Because Jon Hamm is totally our boyfriend.

Furthermore, all these NFL shenanigans that have been going on surrounding the Rams moving or not moving…it’s not how we do sports here.

Others can poke fun and belittle the whole “Best Fans in Baseball” thing, but we (well, most of us) are the kind of sports fans who rallied behind our biggest rival, the Cubs, after they beat us and went on to the NLCS this past season. (Heads up Bears fans. There may be some St. Louisans joining your ranks now. As a friend of mine pointed out, thanks to the Rams, we do know a thing or two about loyalty in the face of a losing record.)

We are a town who admires and celebrates sports greats like Stan “The Man” Musial, Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce, Dan Dierdorf, and Jackie Joyner-Kersee. We value how their talent and integrity go hand-in-hand, and we appreciate their continued commitment and investment in our city even after they have left.

[clickToTweet tweet=”St. Louis knows a good Stan when we see one. Happy to be the home of Musial, not #Kroenke. #Rams” quote=”St. Louis knows a good ‘Stan’ when we see one. Happy to be known as the home of Musial, not Kroenke.”]

We know what we aren’t. We aren’t Los Angeles, New York, Dallas, Chicago or any of the other cities Kroenke feels has a better economic future than St. Louis. (Which, apparently, is ALL of them. Like, even Sneedville, Tennessee. The Sneedville Rams has a nice ring to it.) But most of us love what we are. It’s too bad Kroenke, a Missourian himself, didn’t share that affection, despite the fact that, all things considered, the fans kept on loving a sub-par organization with a loyalty that ended up being unrequited.

Breakups are a bitch.

But after the sting will come the healing. And one day we will come to believe what our mom was probably telling us all along: we were too good for the Rams, and we didn’t belong together anyway.

Besides, did you see how fake L.A.’s boobs are? They are the perfect arm candy to Kroenke’s rug.

St. Louis, how do you plan to recycle your Rams gear? #RecycleRamsGear

Oh, and high fives to my favorite Housewives whisperer, Andy Cohen, for letting his St. Louis lunatic loose. You can check out his choice words (and fingers) for Kroenke.

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Science of Parenthood: A Book Review

Published on January 6, 2016 by Kelly Suellentrop4 Comments

So there’s this new book taking the parenting world by storm. Because it’s hilarious. In the ten years I’ve been a mother, I would certainly count humor as one of THE most needed tools in successfully raising children. While I can appreciate the advice and research offered by experts, I have often been just as encouraged and re-energized in my parenting by a good laugh at the absurdity and common struggles that come with being in charge (and at the mercy) of little ones.

Needless to say, Science of Parenthood, by Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler, is right up my alley. And not only is it FUNNY, but it’s SMART. And that’s my favorite combination. The book aims to explain, well, the science behind parenthood. We’re not really talking genetics and nature vs. nurture…but the stuff moms and dads REALLY care about, like, why whenever your kid pukes, she’s anywhere BUT directly over the toilet. You know, the important stuff. And they even use real scientific terms and principles and everything. So you can tell people you’re reading something intellectual.

In reality, it’s WAY more fun than reading some scientific dissertation, because it’s full of cartoon illustrations and witty memes. So it’s like a cross between a People magazine and a parenting book written by Neil DeGrasse Tyson…or maybe Bill Nye.

To give you a little glimpse into the book, I’m going to turn the rest of the post over to the author, Norine. She’s going to tell you the story behind one of the cartoons, “Mach’s Date Night Principal” (See? Science.) I can totally relate to this one (um, anyone else remember that time I freaked out as a first-time mom and learned a very important lesson from a 911 dispatcher? No? Well, you can read about it here). And with that, I give you Norine…

Mach’s Date Night Principle by Norine of Science of Parenthood

In the first weeks after our son was born, I was so terrified that he’d stop breathing, I would actually wake him up just to check. (Then, of course, I had to deal with the crying.)

But what really inspired this cartoon was my other fear—that our nanny was going to kidnap the baby. In retrospect, I might have been just a tad neurotic. As if a pretty, single twentysomething girl wanted a four-month-old. I mean, who doesn’t want to stay up all night in spit up-encrusted sweats for feedings and diaper changes, right? Fun times! (Lack of sleep really does wonderful things to your brain if you’re prone to neurotic craziness.)

Of course, I’d interviewed the nanny and checked her references and she seemed like a perfectly lovely young woman with plenty of babysitting experience. I was completely comfortable having her in my house. I just wasn’t so comfortable letting her out of my sight. She’d been with me for a few weeks when she asked if she could take the baby for a walk. At the time, we lived in a quiet neighborhood, built on a half-mile loop. As she left my house with the baby in the stroller, I stood at the window and watched her till I couldn’t see her anymore. And then, even though I’d hired her so that I could work in peace on a book I’d just signed a contract to write, I stood at the window instead, counting the minutes till she came back into view.

A few weeks later though, my paranoia really shifted into overdrive. I needed to make a quick business trip to Las Vegas where we’d lived before we relocated to Orlando. I would be gone about 36 hours, and the plan was for the nanny to drop me at the airport, take care of the baby till my husband Stewart came home from work and then pick me up again late the next day.

But when I got in her car to head to the airport, I saw she had a wallet-size picture of my boy propped on her steering wheel. I remembered her asking for a picture. But seeing it in her car really freaked me out. As we drove to the airport, I made her promise to give me practically hourly updates while I was gone. As soon as I cleared security, I called my sister Shari.

“Is it weird that the nanny has a picture of the baby, like in her car? It’s weird, isn’t it?” By then I was probably hyperventilating. Lack of sleep, fluctuating hormones, excess caffeine and some pure unadulterated fear about leaving my baby was making me a tad bonkers. “I think she might kidnap the baby. Do you think it means she’s going to kidnap the baby? Maybe I should come home? I can’t come home. I gotta go to Vegas. But maybe … ”

Ah … there’s really is no crazy like new mother crazy. On the other end of the phone, my sister sighed and said slowly, patiently, “No, I don’t think she’s going to kidnap the baby. I think having a picture in her car is great. It means she loves the baby. It’s a good thing. Now take a deep breath and maybe a Xanax and get on the damn plane. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

When I came through the Arrivals terminal the next day, I was beyond relieved to see nanny and baby waiting for me, just as we planned. Of course, she quit the next day. After all, who wants to work for a crazy woman?

With each successive nanny we had, I relaxed a bit more and gave more latitude until with our final nanny, there were times when I had no idea where my kid was. But I knew if he was with his nanny, he was doing just fine.

Norine Dworkin-McDaniel is co-author with illustrator Jessica Ziegler of Science of Parenthood: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations published in November by She Writes Press. It’s available on Amazon and wherever books are sold. Follow Norine and Jessica on their blog, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Is Science of Parenthood coming to your town? Check out our tour schedule. Want Science of Parenthood to come to your town? Message us!

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An Inspiring Conversation? Resolutions Through Trickery

Published on January 5, 2016 by Kelly Suellentrop2 Comments

Resolutions. Ugh. Aren’t we all tired of the cliche? I never make them. Well, unless I get tricked into making them. In my own home. By an inanimate object. An un-gifted gift waiting to be returned. To be fair, it did make some pretty good arguments. Here’s how the conversation went down…

Hey, you. Wrist Wallet.

Who me?

Of course I’m talking to you. Do you see any other jogging accessories around here?

Oh, you ARE talking to me. I thought you forgot I was even here.

Oh no. I am well aware you are still sitting there on my dresser.

You could have fooled me. You haven’t touched me since you put me here.

Well, you weren’t really meant for me. I bought you before Christmas to give to someone else. But then I second guessed myself about whether that person was a jogger and if she even needed a handy place to keep her keys and phone while running. So I got her a “safe” gift from Pampered Chef. No offense, but Pampered Chef is kind of an ace in the hole. And you come with the dubious off-chance of being mistaken as a passive-aggressive commentary on the gift recipient’s weight and fitness level. Especially if I can’t remember whether that person is unequivocally and undoubtedly a jogger who has expressed adequate frustration over having to keep her keys in her sports bra and having to wipe butt sweat off her phone from storing it in her waist band. Then, and ONLY then, would you be considered a thoughtfully useful gift. But that was not the situation. So you got passed over for a decorative bowl and serving spoon set that will get her compliments at parties and make her the envy of people like me who bring potluck dishes in old Tupperware containers with poorly fitting lids.

I was unaware I could be a such a potentially offensive gift. Wow. People can be a little overly sensitive.

Tell me about it. No hard feelings. It’s just the nature of the gift-giving game. I had every intention of shipping you back to Amazon, but I have left you sitting on my dresser for a month now. It’s mostly because I am an expert procrastinator. But don’t pretend to be so innocent, little Wrist Wallet. I know that whole “unassuming” look you have going on there is just an act to make me think you’re not worth the return shipment cost or hassle.

It’s no such thing. But now that you brought it up,…I didn’t REALLY cost that much. When all is said and done, you’d probably spend one-fourth of my price sending me back. And don’t forget, your post office is kind of a pain in the ass. They don’t call numbers, so you’re always worried someone is going butt in front of you while you’re affixing your shipping label. And then there’s the whole “putting you life on the line” trying to make a left turn out of the parking lot onto the busy street on which the post office resides. It takes, like, eight years to find an opening in traffic…

I KNOW, Wrist Wallet. It totally DOES take eight years! And then when I do finally see a break in traffic, there is usually some jackleg who JUST pulled up to leave the parking lot of the pizza place next door who also sees the break, and peals out to make a right turn in front of me and steals my moment of opportunity. Meanwhile, I’ve been waiting the eight years, and a line is forming behind me. And I can tell they are passing judgement, yelling, “Come on! You could have made that!” And I want to turn around and be like, “I’m sorry, but I have kids…and a minivan. And I really feel like I need a good four-cars-length opening to be safe. Besides, you should really be pissed at that jackleg because he took my turn AND he has pizza, which we don’t.” God, Wrist Wallet, I really hate when that happens.

See, Kelly. It’s just not worth it to send me back. Besides, it’s not like you couldn’t stand to get in sha…mmmpfl.

What did you just say?

Nothing. I didn’t say anything.

Yes you did. What were you going to say?

I…uh…was going to say…uh…it’s not like you couldn’t stand to get in shhh…shhh…SHOES! Let’s go get you some new shoes!

You think I’m fat, don’t you Wrist Wallet?

No. I would never think that.

See? This is what I meant about you and that whole passive-aggressive commentary on a person’s weight. I’m not sorry I swapped you out for the Pampered Chef stuff. Not sorry one bit.

Hey, now. This doesn’t have to get personal. You’re beautiful just the way you are. All I’m saying is, wouldn’t it be nice to have a little more energy? Maybe have your jeans fit a little more comfortably? I mean, we’ve already established what a moronic idea it would be to go to the trouble to send me back. So you may as well — USE me. Since I’m here and all.

Well…I guess it wouldn’t be the WORST idea in the world. I do always like the idea of working out. And I do like looking sporty. If I start using you, I could probably justify buying that cute little headband that keeps your ears warm and also has a hole in the back for your ponytail that I saw at Target. When I saw that I wanted to be the kind of person who needed it. And you are a pretty nifty little accessory. I mean, whenever I would jog (which was usually whenever I got a new pair of tennis shoes that somehow made me think I had always just needed the right pair of shoes to run), it always did really bug me that I never had a convenient way to carry all of my necessities with me. In fact, I’m pretty sure now that was THE reason I never took to jogging. Yeah, that was it. I always felt too cumbersome. I guess you’ve taken care of that now, haven’t you, Wrist Wallet?