Kim Kardashian: The Patron Saint of Puffy Preggos Everywhere

Disclaimer: I am NOT, under any circumstances, a fan of Kim Kardashian.

Okay, now that I have made that absolutely clear… I decided I am on Team Kim. Wait, whaaaaaaaa?

Let me explain.

I accidentally watched an episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” yesterday. And by accidentally I mean I was shamelessly turning on the E! network to see if Giuliana Rancic was reporting any groundless speculation on the tragic death of Cory Monteith from “Glee.” But “Kardashians” was on instead, and I had already put the remote down and started folding laundry. So “Kardashians” it was. Among the many gripping topics covered on the program was Kim’s weight gain during her pregnancy.

Now, I may not be a big fan of Kim, and I may not be one of the thousands actually keeping up with the Kardashians. But I do love me some Joel McHale, and thankfully he keeps me abreast of all I really need to know about them on “The Soup.” That means I am quite aware of the backlash Kim K. received over her pregnancy weight gain, and a quick glance at the internet revealed multitudes of articles devoted to how, when, or if she will be able to lose all that weight now that she has given birth to the most unfortunately named baby in all of recorded history.

stay puft and snake with food in belly
I may have been a puffy preggo, but which one looks more lovable to you? **

So for the first (and possibly last) time ever, I will say these words: Thank you, Kim KardashianThank you for a being a woman in the public eye who became pregnant and turned into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man just like I did, instead of being one of those preggo starlets who simply looks like a snake that has swallowed its prey whole. Thank you for having cankles and for being worried you will never get your body back to the way it was before, instead of being one of those women who only looks pregnant from the side and brings her pre-pregnancy skinny fit jeans as her “going home from the hospital” outfit. It really is nice to see that even the bodies of “beautiful people” don’t always look so airbrushed in real life, and those of us folding laundry at home in stretchy pants can breathe a sigh of relief that we aren’t the only ones whose legs turn into stretch-marked sausages while pregnant.

And to the media: Lay off a girl, will ya? I know bloated faces and blubbery stomachs aren’t what you are used to seeing, but it’s actually the norm. That might be shocking, I realize. In all of my baby shower photos during my first pregnancy, my face doesn’t just look like a chipmunk, it looks like I’m storing a few of them in my cheeks. And most women never fully lose all of their baby weight. Even those who do aren’t likely to have bodies ready for the Victoria Secret runway. Hardly anything returns to its former glory. Mind you, I am not trying to hate on the women (most of whom conveniently ended up in Hollywood) who are able to keep the pregnancy weight gain to a minimum and who are able to bounce back either through gifted genetics, hard work, or a combination of both. I am just saying that there is no reason to blatantly point out that Kim Kardashian is NOT one of these women. Because after conditioning women for years into thinking that the pregnancies and post-pregnancies of celebrities like Demi Moore and Heidi Klum are beautiful and normal, then portraying someone like Kim Kardashian as a sort of Hollywood failure, the media does a funny little thing. It makes people like me look at Kim K. and, for a moment, believe she has done something wrong. She must be lazy. She must be giving into her pregnancy cravings a little too much. Ugh. Look at all the extra junk in her trunk. The Duchess of Cambridge is a much cuter preggo…

Moore, Kardashian, Duchess pregnancies
“One of these things is not like the others.
One of these things just doesn’t belong.
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?”

 

And just like that, I have bought into the myth: the myth that even in pregnancy, women must adhere to an ideal. And those who don’t are somehow to blame. And that means me. I’m to blame. Me and Kim Kardashian and our ballooning butts and our bloated cankles. Shame on us for gaining a lot of weight while pregnant. Shame, shame, shame. I guess we are those women Gisele Bundchen referred to when she said, “I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals.” All hail the supermodel and her perfect pregnancy. I’m just going to go find a tent dress and camp out in a fully stocked pantry somewhere.

The craziest thing is, I haven’t been pregnant for five years, and I can still feel bad about my pregnancy and post-pregnancy body when I see it represented on a celebrity who is getting slack for hers. It’s silly. I shouldn’t feel bad about it. And neither should Kim Kardashian.

So the moral of the story is this. You can blame Kim Kardashian for the demise of television. You can blame her for making Kanye West the father of anyone. But don’t blame her for being like so many women across the country who pack it on during pregnancy. And for the love of Ryan Seacrest, let her lose the weight without commentary from the peanut gallery. Me and Kim K., we’re kind of like bloated belly sisters. I got her back. *Resisting the urge to make a butt joke….resisting….re…sis…ting…there. It passed. I deserve a pat on Kim’s badonkadonk. Crap. That one just slipped in.*

Now, when Kim flaunts her post-baby body in a skimpy bikini on the cover of some magazine in a few months, I request to be traded to a different team. Because I’m still not in bikini shape, and I don’t need her on my bench making me feel bad about it.

** snake photo from http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2013/01/18/everyone-has-their-problems/

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18 Responses

  1. Haha I love the comparison of skinny pregnant women to a snake that just swalled a huge animal. I agree – when you are pregnant you are SUPPOSED to get big. It means you are eating and taking care of your baby. My sister recently had twins and she was excited for every pound she gained, even if it meant gaining 50% of her body weight, because her number one priority was healthy babies. So how dare the media attack anyone for trying to grow a healthy baby.

    • I know. While I do know it is healthier to try to keep weight gain under control, it really bothers me when women are made to feel bad if they are prone to bloating and such. As you said, the first priority should be making sure baby is getting what he/she needs.

  2. Oh Kelly, I completely agree! Do we even want to talk about poor Jessica Simpson who made a deal with Weight Watchers to lose her first baby weight and then ended up pregnant before, I’m sure, her contract was up with them! What a bummer for her to feel the pressure to lose it so quickly.

    And let’s be honest, I was so concerned with other things being pregnant (having a healthy baby, getting a million baby products bought and assembled, getting through labor, etc), that how much I was eating was the last thing on my mind!

    • Oh, I know! I think Jessica got it even worse than Kim. It’s bad enough to want to cringe at how you look in your own family photos, but to be all over the media and knowing OTHER people are cringing at you has to be horrible. Especially when moms-to-be should be focusing on exactly what you mentioned above.

  3. I loved this! Thank you!

  4. That was a terrific post. I’ve never been pregnant, but somehow I feel a little more like I almost was, once. :O)
    Very nice work…..keep it comin’!

  5. I loved this, and laughed a lot, and totally agree that the media should lay off (and Gisele. Just shut your mouth.). And like you, I really can’t stand the Kardashians (or anyone who’s simply famous for being famous).

    However, as the backlash kept coming for Kim, you would’ve thought that *maybe* she would’ve stopped dressing so ridiculously. Because I think that’s what made her look worse than she would have otherwise.

    I’ve literally spent time thinking about this before reading your blog, sadly. So I felt like I needed to get that out of my head 🙂

    • Whew! I’m glad I’m not the only one pondering those hard-hitting questions. But really, she dressed ridiculously before, why should pregnancy change anything? However, she did wear quite a few unflattering outfits…though I have been guilty of thinking something looks totally amazing in the mirror, and then a picture of myself after the fact proves me otherwise. I bet that happens to celebs all the time.

      • True. She has always dressed badly. But during her pregnancy I kept thinking, ” WHY does her stylist let her out of the house like that?”

        No shame in not being a stick, but dressing for your body type can be such a huge improvement over what the media says about people (I’m talking to you, too, Christina Aguilera).

      • Agreed. But sometimes I think Hollywood stylists have just as bad if not worse tastes than celebs.

  6. You had me at “not a fan of Kim Kardashian”.

  7. […] round and prominent rear end. I mean, it IS Kim Kardashian. Two weeks ago I proclaimed Kim K. to be “The Patron Saint of Puffy Preggos Everywhere.” While I feel my reasoning is still sound, I distinctly remember ending the post with this […]

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