A Ruined Target Shopping Trip and Other Things That Annoy Parents

Target LogoIt should be illegal for the Icee machine at Target to ever, ever be broken.

I usually like to make my trips to “the mecca” solo, but when I do have to bring a kid or two along, $1.69 + tax is a small price to pay to insure I can give Target my full shopping attention, as it rightfully deserves.

So you can imagine my terror when I arrived at the snack counter today, with Michael in tow, and ordered a medium ICEE (a medium is a nice compromise between the completely unnecessary sugar spaz that comes with a large, and the decreased browsing time that a small buys), only to have my request met with the words, “The ICEE machine is brrrrooooookeeeeeennnn.” (I write it that way to denote how the word sounded to me at the moment…like in the movies when everything happens in slow-mo, and you hear something in that deep, drawn-out voice that signals catastrophe.)

Well, crap.

“We have popcorn.” Thanks, but that doesn’t help me whatsoever. What good is popcorn when all it will do is make Michael thirsty, prompting him to ask for an ICEE? Does Mr. Snack Counter Man not foresee this vicious cycle?

I simply tell him, “Thanks anyway,” as I walk away. I break the news to Michael, which of course results in a pitiful, whimpering cry. And I realize there will be no moments of self-actualization or nirvana on this particular Target trip.

So while we are on the subject, here are a few other things that I think should be illegal in order to make parents’ lives a lot easier:

1. Other parents announcing in public that they are taking their kids to McDonald’s. Every parenting handbook should warn against committing this act of terrorism on fellow parents. It’s just not a nice thing to do to those who have children within earshot of that announcement. Any parent who breaks this rule should be subject to a punishment that lasts as long as the endless whining that results from my children overhearing that OTHER kids get to go to McDonald’s, but THEIR mom hates them and gives them peanut butter for the fourth time this week.

misbehaving in churce
You may need to pray, but this pew is just begging to have my cars driven all over it.

2. Churches with no cry rooms. It may be the House of the Lord, but surely having no cry room is the Devil’s doing. It’s hard enough to receive God’s Word when you have a two-year-old asking for Cheerios and pointing out that there are no pictures in the hymnals, but it’s near impossible when you have the added stares of people wondering why you can’t control your children. Yes, you are justified in your indignation Ms. Judgey McJudgepants…it is completely acceptable to expect a toddler to sit quietly still for forty-five minutes to an hour. I’m sure all of YOUR children did in the good old days. Thankfully, our church does have a cry room, but I have been to my fair share of ones that didn’t. And it is just not fun. In the worst cases, I honestly wondered what was the point of me even being there. In fact, do you want to know how important I think cry rooms are? One of the reasons we actually chose to join the parish we did was because it had a more welcoming cry room than the other nearby parish. It may sound a little shallow, but I can tell you I have had mostly pleasant church experiences. Nothing frees you up to get closer to God than not having to worry when your kid decides to sing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle song instead of “On Eagle’s Wings.”  

fuse beads
I’d like to give whoever invented these a swift kick in the pants

3. Giving Fuse Beads as a birthday present. If you don’t know what Fuse Beads are, consider yourself lucky. While in theory they are a mild-mannered craft project, in reality they are minuscule menaces that are impossible for children without fully developed dexterity to handle, which inevitably end up all over your floor. Or in our case, the entire bucket is found during a Halloween party and the contents dumped all throughout the basement. However, I am ashamed to admit, I just broke this rule. But in my defense, I didn’t do it on purpose. My husband likes to find toys on sale and buy up a couple to have on hand for whenever one of the kids is invited to a birthday party. Grace had a party to go to today, and I didn’t worry about finding a gift because I knew we had our stockpile. Well, when I went to get the gift (of course, right before we had to leave for the party) I found that all I had to choose from was one lonely box of Fuse Beads. When Kurt saw what I had, he said, “I thought you liked Abby’s mom.” I replied that I did. “Then WHY are you giving Abby Fuse Beads?” I did apologize to Abby’s mom when I dropped off Grace…luckily she’s a laid-back lady and is used to having Fuse Beads dotting her floors. But I know my parental karmic payback is coming.

Now let’s commiserate…feel free to comment about other things you feel should be made illegal. I know this list can be much, much longer…

10 Responses

  1. Anne Blind

    It should be illegal for parents to buy the extra large popcorn and super sized sodas for their children at the movies. I had many of confrontations with the boys because either I had stowed some snacks away in my purse or I made them share a small or medium size popcorn and also usually brought and extra empty cup so a soda could be split. I mean who wants to take out a second loan on the house to got to the movies.
    Also buying children cell phones before they can drive. I’ve seen 7-8 year old that do some theater with Shooting Star Productions that have cell phones. Seriously when I was that age I was excited over new markers.

    • Ditto…and ditto. I was laughing about the popcorn because mom ALWAYS made microwave popcorn at home and made us sneak it in in little baggies. I HATED that…but now I totally understand it. And I am not looking forward to the “so-and-so already has a cell phone” conversation that will surely be happening with Grace…probably sooner than I think. Ugh. Good ones Anne!

  2. Hilarious! I’m unsure if it’s good or bad that I can relate to this entire post… cute little boy with his “voom vooms” at church to boot. Thank you for the ixne on the icDonald’sme, public service announcement, too!

    • Well, it’s good for me that you can relate…it helps me realize my kids are more normal than I think! And let’s hope parents everywhere get that McDonald’s message. Do you hear that parents?? Share this blog like the wind!

  3. Kurtis Suellentrop

    How about your horrible neighbors parking a U-Haul in fornt of ther house then NOT moving?!

  4. Michelle

    This was a HOOT to read, Maggie!! Thanks for the belly laugh!! And I can totally relate to the cry room thingy!! I use to take my (now 16 yr old!!) 4 yr old with his game boy in hand and I dropped him off in the cry room and then I went TO CHURCH and left him there for daily Mass!! There are still seniors in the parish who ask about him because they knew him when “his mom dropped him off in the cry room everyday”!! Peace for both of us!! Too bad I can’t do it still when he is misbehavin’ in Mass TODAY!! 😉

    • Glad you enjoyed it! And kudos to you for braving daily mass with a 4 year old…I find once a week a struggle sometimes! That cry room certainly must have been your saving grace. -Kelly

  5. […] should think it could go without saying I am a willing drinker of the kool-aid that is Target. I mean, duh…I breathe, and Target exists. It does not take a genius to deduce anything here. […]

  6. […] toy fads, annoying kid shows, smug contributors to newspaper columns, Fifty Shades of Grey, ruined Target shopping trips, pointless mommy wars, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch, irresponsibly bad journalism, and of […]

I'm Listening...Really.